Sunday, July 14, 2013

Thoughts 7/14/13

Well here is an update from the last time I updated 10 days ago.
So we had high hopes to be able to go home and see family and friends this past week.  We had it all planned and everything. But Bella's Dr. said he didnt want her going anywhere. So we had to stick around Boise.  It has been over a month since I have been home.  And even more than that for Bella.  I have really appreciated my parents letting us stay here.  They have been wonderful!  But I long to be home with my husband by my side.  It is hard to communicate and make decisions long distance (and there have been lots of decisions medical and other wise) Living out of a suitcase is not fun...  But more than that I miss my best friend.  And I also really miss my ward and all my Young Women (I work with the youth in my church).
I want to write down a few thoughts, as I am using this as a journal for the time being.

So I am not going to lie, I have been/am struggling.  There are times when I just want to scream and say I DONT THINK I CAN DO THIS  FOR MUCH LONGER!  or  HOW MUCH MORE CAN I HANDLE???   I have the "feeling sorry for myself" thing down this past week.  Let me just say I have heard the expression when it rains it pours...  But I now know how true that can be.  Besides the stuff going on with Bella, I have had my two youngest wake up with the pukes and they had diarrhea for 4-5 days, car problems galore, BUT I felt I was handling things pretty good until this past Monday when the doctor told us we couldnt go home for the few days we had planned on going home...  And that just opened my whole week up to sulking, and a pity party.  I am ashamed to admit it but, in all seriousness it was the hardest time for me since this whole thing began.   I started questioning my faith in many things out there.  I was angry!  I kept telling my self over and over again.  This has gone on for almost 4 months now!  Why??? Why Bella?  Why us?  Dont we have enough trials?    Anyways... I kept hearing a voice in my head saying to me that I need to go to the temple, I need to ask for a blessing....  But then I would quickly tell that voice to shush.  :-)
(I told you I was angry)
Anyways, last night my mom and I were in the car driving and talking, and she had been preparing for her lesson for Relief society off and on yesterday.  I asked her what her lesson was about and she responded "having faith in times of trial"    I knew that Heavenly Father hadn't forgotten me!!!  I felt a  renewed hope and strength.  And was reminded of a thought that I have had off and on during this trial with Bella.  I dont know "why we are here"  I dont know "what we are supposed to learn" from this experience".  I dont know "who we are supposed to influence or meet"  But I know that HE knows!  He sees the big picture.  And I just need to have faith and trust in him.

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